What it looks like
Hitting when told no. Kicking during a meltdown. Throwing things, slamming doors hard enough to break them, going after a younger sibling. Afterward your child may be sorry, or may act like nothing happened. You may feel scared, embarrassed, or angry at yourself for not knowing what to do.
Many parents keep this to themselves for a long time. You don’t need to.
How it keeps going
Aggression usually happens for a reason that makes sense in the moment: to escape a demand, to get something, or because a feeling got too big to hold. If aggression ever works, even occasionally, for example if the demand gets dropped, it gets stronger. Big emotional reactions from adults can also feed it. What weakens it is a calm, predictable response every time, and lots of attention for the times your child handles frustration without hurting anyone.
What the research says
Parent management training and cognitive behavioral therapy are the two best-supported treatments for aggression in children, both backed by randomized trials (Sukhodolsky et al., 2016). For aggression and other disruptive behavior in children 12 and under, parent behavior therapy is the best-established treatment (Kaminski & Claussen, 2017).
How we help
First, safety. In the first sessions, Kara helps you make a plan for the moment aggression starts: how to keep everyone safe, where siblings go, and what you’ll say and do.
Then, the plan:
- Spotting the triggers and early warning signs, and stepping in before things escalate.
- A calm, brief, identical response to aggression from both parents.
- A clear, immediate consequence, followed by repair once everyone is calm.
- Not dropping the original request because of the aggression.
- Lots of specific praise for gentle hands and calm words.
With your child, as their age allows: noticing anger rising in their body, what to do instead of hitting, and how to make things right afterward.
Something to try this week
Decide with your partner, ahead of time, the exact words you’ll both use when aggression happens, for example: “No hitting. I’ll keep everyone safe.” Then say only that, calmly, and move siblings away. Same words, every time. Talk about what happened later, when everyone is calm.
Also see anger and rages. See how much your child is involved at each age.