What it looks like
A plan changes and your child falls apart. A sibling gets the bigger piece and it’s a crisis. Homework mistakes turn into “I’m stupid” and crumpled paper. When your child is upset, reasoning doesn’t reach them, and it can take an hour to come back down.
You may notice it in yourself too: tiptoeing around triggers, giving in to avoid the storm, or losing your own temper because you’re worn out.
Why it happens
Children learn to manage feelings gradually, and some have a harder start. They feel things faster and more intensely, and they take longer to recover. When those big feelings get dismissed, or when outbursts sometimes get them what they want, the pattern gets stronger. When adults respond calmly and consistently, and help the child name and ride out the feeling, it gets weaker.
What the research says
Across 77 studies of parent training for young children, programs that taught parents emotional communication, meaning helping a child recognize and talk about feelings, along with positive interaction and consistency, had bigger effects than programs that didn’t (Kaminski et al., 2008). For irritability and outbursts, parent training and cognitive behavioral therapy for the child both have good support (Kalvin et al., 2024).
How we help
With you:
- Responding to the feeling before the behavior: “You’re really disappointed. That makes sense.”
- Staying calm and brief during a storm, and saving problem-solving for after.
- Not rewarding outbursts by giving in, while still being warm.
- Predictable routines and warnings that reduce the number of storms.
- Noticing and praising the times your child handles a feeling well.
With your child, as their age allows:
- Naming feelings and rating how big they are.
- Noticing body signals early, before the feeling takes over.
- A short list of calm-down skills, practiced when calm: slow breathing, cold water, moving their body, a quiet spot.
- Riding out an urge without acting on it.
Something to try this week
When your child is upset, try saying only what you see and what they feel, then stop: “That tower fell. You’re so frustrated.” No fixing, no lesson, no “calm down.” Wait. Many children settle faster when they feel understood first. Talk about what to do next once they’re calm.
See how much your child is involved at each age, or read about our approach.