What it looks like
Anxiety in children doesn’t always look like worry. It can look like stomachaches and headaches on school mornings, meltdowns before new activities, refusing to sleep alone, endless questions that need the same answer, or anger when plans change.
And it often reshapes the whole family. Parents start answering the same question ten times, driving the long way, skipping events, sleeping in the child’s room, or letting them stay home. It comes from love, and it brings relief in the moment. Over time, it can keep the anxiety in charge.
School refusal
When anxiety makes school feel impossible, every day home makes the next day harder. School refusal responds best to acting early, with a clear plan to return in steps, parents and school working together, and support for the child to tolerate the discomfort of going.
What the research says
Cognitive behavioral therapy helps many anxious children: across 87 trials, about half of children treated with CBT no longer had their main anxiety diagnosis afterward, compared with fewer than one in five on a waitlist (James et al., 2020). And in a randomized trial of children 7 to 14, a parent-only treatment focused on reducing family accommodation of anxiety did as well as CBT delivered to the child (Lebowitz et al., 2020).
How we help
With you:
- Noticing the ways the family has bent around the anxiety, and choosing which to change first.
- Responding with support that conveys confidence: “This is hard, and I know you can handle it.”
- Gradually stepping back from reassurance, rescuing and avoidance, with a plan for how your child will cope.
- A step-by-step plan for school or other avoided situations.
With your child, as their age allows: naming worry, calming the body, and facing feared situations in small, planned steps, with praise for bravery.
Something to try this week
Next time your child asks for the same reassurance again, try: “You’ve asked that already, and I answered. I think you can handle this feeling.” Say it warmly, then change the subject or stay with them quietly. Expect protest the first few times. It’s a sign you’re changing the pattern, not that it isn’t working.
See how much your child is involved at each age, or read about our approach.